After reading the book “being genuine: stop being nice, start being real” (Thomas d’Ansembourg) I realized that being pleasant is not always helpful. On the contrary, they are likely to reduce the chance of happiness.

Please love me

As a well-educated child we want to show our best. Thomas d’Ansembourg mentioned that more you are giving people / more you are generous / more you focus on others … More it means you want them to like your person in return. Being kind would mean that we search for recognition / gratitude and love to be sent back!

I would add: « perhaps our Christian culture is also to blame!. » The bible forbids selfishness. However the generosity values us and justifies our existence. But isn’t it a defense mechanism? People often think: “if I do not bestow his desires, I am risking to lose his attraction, his love, his friendship?”.

 Control-freaks 2.0

Doing EVERYTHING for others is a way to gain power and to maintain control. If we decide for EVERYTHING, we control EVERYTHING too. Please try to exercise by changing : EVERYTHING -> SOME THINGS

Always unsatisfied

More we are kind, more we can be disappointed by expecting other doing the same in return. In French, we say “donner sans rien attendre en retour” (to give freely / to give without expecting anything in return. ) but often we unconsciously wait that it comes back: it creates frustration, arguments and misunderstandings.

Why so nice ?

Consciously or not again, it has been built during our childhood. The person had to take care of his  brothers/sisters or/and sensitives parents? Few years later we simply use the mechanism with any kind of relationship we establish. We have forgotten how to accomplish our desires before others. It is time to change it.

So what should I do ?

  • Identify the issue
  • Understand the reason
  • Take care of ourselves
  • Think and act differently

My recommendations

First try to balance your generosity. If you truly like helping, what about working with an association? In addition never forget that you should come first (breath, relax, take care, surprise yourself…).

Finally balance any relationship and make sure you do not give more than the other. It takes a life time but we should all accept responsibility for our feelings and actions. Do not be scared, be genuine and you will build healthier relationships.